The Experience of Spending Those Momentenous Life Moments Alone

“I am not gone.  I remain here beside you just in a different form. 
Look for me in your heart and there you will find me in our love which forever lives on. 
In those moments when you feel alone, look for me in your thoughts and there you will find me in sweet memories that burn strong. 
Every time a tear forms in your beautiful eyes, look up to the heavens and there you will see me smiling down from God’s glorious skies.” 
~~
I Am Not Gone by Injete Chesoni

Zach,

Well here we are.  This dreaded weekend has arrived.  This morning I woke up and desperately did not want to get out of bed and start my day.  I feel that way everyday but today it was even worse.  Today is my birthday.  And I despise the fact that I am alone.  I hate that another year is starting and I will continue to age but I have to do it all without you.  I detest the fact that I have to “celebrate” something alone when all I want is to be with you.  I loathe the fact that it is supposed to be a happy day when there is nothing happy about it.  I know people mean well when they say “Happy Birthday!” but can one single person tell me what is so happy about it?

Unfortunately this weekend does not only hold the sadness of my own birthday.  This weekend I will attend your cousin’s wedding alone, the wedding you were supposed to be in.  They want your dad to wear the tie they ordered for you to wear along with the other groomsmen but it is just too painful of a reminder of your absence.  But this weekend does not only hold my lonely birthday and the necessary attendance at a joyous marriage celebration.  This weekend is also your birthday.  Technically it is on Monday but we have always shared our birthday weekend.  And now I am alone.

It seems unfathomable that this time last year we were en route to Jacksonville to spend the weekend at the beach together, dressing up for a fancy dinner at Chart House in the new beautiful white dress you bought me.  You always spoiled me on my birthday because you knew I loved my birthday more than any other holiday in the year.  Now I hate it with a passion.  I wish you were here.

Zach, the quote I chose to use today talks about that you are still here, just in a different form.  I wish I felt you here with me.  Because I don’t.  I feel no sense of comfort coming from anywhere and I am close to begging.  I don’t claim to understand the concept of heaven but if God lets our loved one’s look down on us from time to time, I hope he lets you be with me today.  I know life will forever be filled with momentous life moments like this weekend, but I am already tired of doing it alone and dread having to do this for the rest of my life.  I miss you.

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