“Anybody can become angry — that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way — that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” ~~ Aristotle
I am ANGRY!
Not angry in a “I want to talk about the 7-stages of grieving” bullshit way, but just angry. The amount of hostility that I feel seething below the surface has a mind of its own and I feel as though I am ready to snap. This anger is like a slowly brewing pot of water that is almost to its boiling point. Sometimes I feel it clawing its way to the surface like its going to burst out of me. I’m talking about a complete lack of patience, an annoyance for people, and an aggravation over the mundane. I don’t know where it has come from or why it has gotten so bad, but I can feel it getting worse.
I’m angry at the ignorant people in my classes who have a complete lack of respect for their teachers and fellow classmates who talk throughout the entire class. These are people who clearly aren’t paying for their own education and just because they don’t care they think everyone else must not care either. I’m angry about getting up day after day to work towards this degree and feel like its going nowhere.
I’m impatient with people asking stupid questions like, “You seem like you’re in a bad mood. What’s wrong?”. I want to scream at them asking why they are so stupid and how they can ask that. I have to hold back the words on the tip of my tongue to point out their ignorance and tell them exactly how I feel about their questions. I’m more impatient over things that I know I shouldn’t be. I’m annoyed with people who blabber on and on about nothingness just to fill the silence and to hear themselves talk when I’m trying to work, or read, or study, or write a paper, or just be in a quiet space.
I’m angry at people daring to ask if I’m dating yet. I’m angry with people assuming I should be OK by now and trying to put a time limit on my grief. I’m frustrated that because they have recovered faster than I have, they assume I should be OK too. I’m disappointed in the people I thought would be there to support me more that seem to have forgotten.
I am hostile towards the people who think going four days without seeing their boyfriend or girlfriend is the most devastating separation and they fail to realize what separation really is or how lucky they are that their loved one is coming back in a few short days. I am hostile towards the people who still make irresponsible decisions and don’t appreciate the reality that each and every day could be their last. I am hostile towards undeserving people being granted one more day to live and you’re gone.
I hate myself for not doing more for other people. I hate myself for still feeling so lost. I hate myself every day I get out of bed and every night I go to sleep. I hate myself for being so unfocused and non-functioning. I hate myself for being impatient yesterday with my students while teaching when usually I control it. I hate myself for being so angry. I hate myself for not being able to hide it better. I hate the emptiness I feel inside of me. I fucking hate life without you.
I hate myself for feeling like this and for even needing to write these words which has only made me feel like a terrible, ungrateful, selfish person.
I’m angry at how my life has turned out and the nothingness that has arisen. I’m angry at this dismal outlook on life that shows no hope of improving.