Who Wrote This?

I’m just a girl who used to write constantly but sometimes life gets in the way and makes us too busy for the things we love doing the most.  With the recent  loss of my fiancé, the absolute love of my life, on October 9th 2011 I feel the need to write again.  Zach truly believed and taught me that words are power.  He believed that words have the ability to help, hurt, and destroy… but now I hope they have the power to heal.

I don’t know what this blog will become but all I can do is take one breath at a time and hope that writing down my thoughts will help me be able to handle this excruciating grief of mine.  And maybe one day my words will be of some help to someone else who finds themselves trapped in their own journey through grief.

If you find yourself stopping by this space, please take a minute to leave a comment whether it be to share your own experience with grieving the loss of a loved one or to tell me I am approaching this entirely the wrong way.

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24 comments on “Who Wrote This?

  1. Esther says:

    You’re not doing it wrong, you are making it from moment to moment the best way you can and there is nothing wrong with that. I just read the book “When There Are No Words” and it seemed to articulate some things about grief that I haven’t been able to. You are doing a good job of that, and I appreciate reading your words. I send you big hugs with my heart, and I wish you peace from your pain so you can keep moving and writing.
    (I lost both of my parents in a short span of time ~ I was very close to them, in fact they were living with my husband and I. I am soon to lose one of my closest friends to cancer, and I’m not sure I can live with the pain of losing her.)

    • brenner1543 says:

      Maybe I will have to get my hands on that book because it seems it was able to teach you something that you took to heart. I am so sorry to hear about your parents. I cannot imagine losing both in a short time span. I lost my dad in August 1996 and it was extremely brutal. I hate to hear that your friend is fighting this battle with cancer but you will be able to live with the pain because you have before and you can do it again. You are stronger than you think!

  2. Esther says:

    I do recommend that book, it’s quite short and to the point. Last week I gave it to one of my close friends’ who suddenly lost her son (age 27) a couple weeks ago. What she said about the book made me so so glad I gave it to her. She said, “It was like he was talking directly to me. This little book has helped me more than any other thing since Matt died.”
    Thank you for taking the time to write me ~ I appreciate it more than you know ~ and for the encouragement. I hope you are having moments when the pain is less and also moments when happy memories cover the pain with a band aid, even for a moment or two. Keep hanging on, a breath at a time.
    ~Es

  3. Hi krista

    I stumbled upon your website and read your blog about today- your death–versity. What utter shit it is to think that we get over things in the first year. It will be a lifetime of learning how to live your life without your love. I lost my 10 month old baby daughter 6 weeks ago. She contracted a rare bacteria and died within hours. I live in Canada- I’m educated and my children are healthy- how was this even possible??? I related to so much of what you wrote. The deep longing and love for the person no longer here. I started my own blog about our daughter, our grief. All I can say is my thoughts are with you. I hope zach’s spirit brings you a moment of peace tonight. I know it’s crap and its not what you want or need, but sometimes all us survivors get are moments of peace. If u feel up to it, check out my blog. My baby would have been 1 on October 24th so this month is a tough one. Much love from a fellow shell shocked grief survivor. Laura

    • brenner1543 says:

      Laura, I am truly sorry for your tragic loss and am so glad you are able to find some solace in my words. When I started writing my thoughts down, it was my hope that some day I would be able to help someone in some way. Like you said, survivors of grief can relate to each other in a way no one else can. As a fellow Canadian, I hope you can find your own moments of peace although they are impossible to imagine.

  4. Jessica says:

    Hi,
    I just stumbled upon your blog on hellogrief.net. I lost my best friend/boyfriend to suicide 6 months ago. I find grief blogs so helpful and find it so therapeutic to write out my thoughts. I take such comfort in your words because you express the same things I am feeling. You make me feel more normal. It is hard for people to understand such deep grief and I am grateful for people like you. Thank you.

    • brenner1543 says:

      Jessica, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot imagine the horror of dealing with a loss of this kind. I am glad you find it therapeutic to write and to hear that you find what I have to say helpful. All I can do is hope that my words will someone in some way; I am glad you were able to take something away from this. Stay strong and just remember that because people don’t understand such deep grief does not mean you are doing it wrong or need to be handling it differently. It just takes time. Thank you for sharing with me.

  5. Sunie Stanton says:

    Dear Krista – I stumbled onto your blog yesterday and it gave me a whole new perspective on the death of my precious 38-year-old daughter, Beth, who died on April 8, 2011. An autopsy was done and they could not find the cause of death. One minute she was there and the next she was gone. there were 200 people at her Memorial Service. She was so loved by so many people. I have not been able to function in any meaningful way since she died. But after I read your blog I started thinking about your loss as compared to mine. I imagine Zach will be with you every moment of your life and so will Beth be with me. But the relationships were so different. You lived with Zach and had all kinds ot traditions. You were just starting your lives and making all kinds of plans. The love between a man and a woman cannot be compared to any other love, just like the loss of a child cannot be compared to any other love. The difference is, while I think about Beth a lot, it isn’t the same as your loss when you think about Zach all the time. I don’t know if this is making any sense but your loss is helping me deal with my loss. I didn’t see Beth every day and the love we shared was completely different from what you and Zach share. I can’t tell you how much I ache for you and perhaps understand your grief. Beth is with me all the time. I know that. Zach is with you ALL THE TIME. He is loving you and rooting for you. Did he have anything that he particularly liked? Beth loved butterflies so we planted a butterfly bush and put solar butterflies and other birds, sunflowers and planted two white azaleas in what is now “Beth’s garden.” I wear butterfly rings, bracelets and earrings. Beth also loved pinwheels so we stuck one in her garden and every time is spins I know she’s talking to me. I hope you can feel the love I’m sending to you. These are losses we will NEVER get over. People will keep asking you questions that are so stupid. All you can do is let them roll off your back and remember that Beth is watching over you and when you see a butterfly, you’ll know she’s right there with you. Please feel free to write whenever you want to and know that I’ll be following your blog every day. With love, Sunie

    • brenner1543 says:

      Sunie, Your words have come to me on a day where I really needed some encouragement. I hate hearing about your sudden loss of your daughter which I sure continues to live with you every day. There is such a difference between sudden death and expected death from a progressive illness. Not being able to say goodbye is so harsh and cruel. It sounds like your daughter was an amazing person with such a huge turnout. It really goes to show what an impact they made in other people’s lives when you see everyone gathered into one room. I had a similiar reaction at Zach’s services, both the one in Canada and the one here in Georgia. We were just starting our lives together, even after three years together, and that makes it so terrible. I am so glad to hear you say that my writing is helping you think about your grief in a different way. I hope that you will be able to take away something from it that will help you on your grief journey. That has always been my hope as I started writing all these words down that it would hopefully help someone in some way and some day. Your words were so sweet and encouraging. Thank you, Sunie.

  6. Hi… got to you through a tweet today. Mine died Apr 12,2010 in a car accident on the way to work, and I’m missing him real bad today. What we’ve survived is so rare – we’re not widows, but more than girlfriends – it’s hard to explain what it means/how it feels. I’m glad you’ve found some sort of release. I just started my own much more recently, livingwidowed.blogspot.com, but I’ve already discovered how lovely it is to have a place to go when I don’t want to burden my facebook feed. 🙂 Take care of you (cuz he would’ve wanted you to).

    • brenner1543 says:

      Ami Jo, I am glad my words were able to reach you in some way. It is so hard because there is no real definition for what we truly are. We are more than girlfriends, but not entitled to the same grieving rights as wives. I’m glad you understand what I am going through, but am so sorry that you are also on this journey. I’m glad you have found an outlet for your thoughts as well. Take care of yourself too. We have too…. in order to honor them.

  7. Sherry says:

    Krista,
    I found your blog today while I was searching for something to help my daughter, Krista. She just lost her boyfriend in a accident a month ago. I sent her your site in hopes she will find comfort in your words. It has also helped me in realizing what she may be feeling. I hope you continue to find comfort in your writing.

    • brenner1543 says:

      Sherry,

      Thank you for feeling my words may bring some comfort to your daughter. If anything, I know exactly what she is going through and the horror of it all. My mom has said the same thing about my writing helping her to understand what I am going through so I am glad you have found the same.

  8. Michelle says:

    Krista,

    Thank you so much for this blog. I lost my boyfriend and absolute best friend to cancer a little over a month ago and it’s indescribable. I’ve searched through widow blogs and while what is written there helps some, there’s just something about your experience that resonates with me. The youth of your fiance and my boyfriend brings many things to grieve; decades of productive careers, fatherhood, and yes, “needing a cane together,” as you said in your post of Dec 2012. Your fiance sounds like a wonderful man and I cannot thank you enough for everything you’ve written. I hope it isn’t too morbid to say that I look forward to one day meeting both you and your fiance in Heaven and introducing you to my boyfriend as the blogger that saved me. Until then, best of luck on your journey. Please do not hesitate to contact me for anything.

    • brenner1543 says:

      Michelle, I find myself in tears right now and I can’t decide if it is over the guilt of not seeing your message sooner or over your story. Thank you for taking the time to write to me and for telling me that my words have resonated with you. Each and every word I express here is painful to write, but I find it is the only way I am able to process any of this. I don’t know how I have saved you or what I can do in the future to help, but please know that I am here and that the only way to get through grief is to rely on each other, even if it is faceless internet support. Please stay in touch and know that I feel your pain.

  9. Mrs. Fick says:

    Krista,
    Looking up quotes about soul mates and I came across your blog. Your words unfortunately are all to close to home. I lost My Husband, my best friend and My Soul Mate December 30 2012.
    We where together for 16yrs we pretty much grew up together. I don’t know of a life without him. Right now I am trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and try to get a grasp on the fact that this is really happening. I hate that I have no choice No say!! I am forced to go on living without him and I’m so angry! Angry that we will never get to grow old together, angry that we will no longer get to have another child, angry that I have to live my life here on earth without him. I hate waking up in the middle of the night and he’s not there. I hate when I get a text and I know it will never be from him again. I have wrapped myself in the lord. I believe it is the only thing that has helped.
    My Husband had grand mal seizures and while we where on vacation for the holidays he had a seizure in his sleep and it triggered a heart attack and he passed away beside me in his sleep. I am 31yrs old and he was 33yrs old we had a lot of life to live. Everyone keeps telling me “at least your young.” To me that’s one of the worst parts. I have to live the rest of my life alone without him. I know people say “time will heal your pain and you will eventually find someone that makes you happy.” I think the people that Honestly believe that have never Truly Loved someone. My husband and I use to always say that we where soul mates and that we find each other in every life. I truly believe that. I just pray that he will come visit me in my dreams every night until we are reunited and I see him walking towards me with open arms in that white light.
    Until then I’m suppose to keep moving forward. Putting on my game face for the world looking for signs from him.
    So many thoughts go through my mind, so many that I cant sleep at night no matter how exhausted. I wounder if when he first crossed over before he went into the gates if he felt sad like I do because of the realization that we where not going to get to be together. I know in Heaven there is no pain but I wounder if in the moments when you first realize that you are going to heaven if your heart is filled with the same sadness that the ones that are left behind are feeling.
    Sorry for such a long message its really just a fraction of my thoughts. I guess I am just sending this message because I am wondering if you have any advice or thoughts that may help. I find myself lately aimlessly walking around stores. I’m scared to do anything that we use to do together like going to the movies or concerts. All I can think about is the last time we did those things together and how we never will get to again. I don’t want to picture a world without him! I also walk around talking to him and I also get the crazy looks. I don’t care though. Our daughter is 12yrs old and I hate that this will define a part of who she is.
    I know that I am lucky in one sense in that I was able to love someone with every piece of Myself and He did the same back. I have no regrets about how we lived our life’s. We engulfed our selfs in each other and constantly told/showed each other how we felt. Our relationship was something that people search there wholes life’s for and I had it. That’s part of what makes it so painful and bitter sweet. I feel like true love stories never have happy endings. I will wait here on this earth until our Souls are Reunited again.
    Thank you for reading my rambling thoughts. If you have any thoughts that you feel will help no matter how random please send them to me.
    With Love,
    Ashley Fick

    ashleyvfick@gmail.com

    • brenner1543 says:

      Ashley, I am sorry this has been so long coming, but I haven’t been able to get in here for a long time. I understand your anger of having to go and not having the chance to grow old together. Our stories differ, but grief is always the same. I love how you said, “I know in Heaven there is no pain but I wounder if in the moments when you first realize that you are going to heaven if your heart is filled with the same sadness that the ones that are left behind are feeling.” I have had a similar idea and it is something I have contemplated writing about for awhile, but it is a tough one to sit down and write. I have always envisioned Zach getting there, realizing where he was, and just saying “No. I have to go back to her.” I guess that is supposed to give me some comfort, but I honestly don’t know what it gives me. Never apologize for writing a long message. I am glad you found something in my words that gave you some comfort or at least something to relate to. Your relationship with your husband sounds beautiful and I pray that you will always remind yourself of that and tell your daughter everything about it. Take care of yourself and stay in touch.

  10. kristen says:

    Hi,
    I just came across your blog. I couldn’t stop reading. I am so sorry for your HUGE loss :(:( The love of my life-the man i was to spend foreve with died in a car accident on April 7 last month. 39 yrs old. It’s not all about age, but we were just beginning our life together. The fact that you get up and get dressed, go to school, go to work….i think that takes great courage. I keep breaking down in front of people. We did everything together and now i’m alone without my love my bestfriend. I think you’re surviving and then some. The paralizing realization that they are gone….sometimes i don’t feel like i’ll ever pull out of it. I will read more of your entries as this one has made me feel not so alone. Please keep writting.Thank you.

    • brenner1543 says:

      Kristen, I am absolutely sorry for my extreme delay in responding to this, but I have not been able to get on here for awhile. Thank you for contacting me. Thank you for sharing your story with me. My words are meant to help someone else one day with their own impossible grief so although we may grieve separately, we are united in it regardless. Please do keep reading and sharing. I find it is the only way to process it together.

  11. kristen says:

    It is helpful to write to you even not really knowing you. I know you’ve been where i am and sometimes still are.

  12. Debra Alewine says:

    It took me one night to fall in love with Bobby. It took every day of the 17 years to become Mrs. Bobby Alewine. How am I expected to get “over it” in a month, a year or who knows in this life. He was my everything. My best friend, my lover, my strength, just everything. I don’t know who I am yet. Btw I have the same hollow eyed look when I look in the mirror. My eyes are permanently swollen!! I also don’t like who I am through this grief. I’ve always been a happy smiling person, I feel like I spend most of my time being sad. I get so tense and frustrated wanting him here with me. I have made soooo many bargins with God, its something different everyday. Guess the answer is still no. I am enjoying reading your blogs. I write in a journal and I find that I am writing to Bobby and saying all the things that I want to say to bobby. So I’m blogging on paper! Thanks for listening to me for a minute. Good luck to you and I will follow your posts. Thaks for sharing.

    • brenner1543 says:

      Debra, my sincere apologies for not responding to your comment sooner. Please do NOT let anyone tell you how long you have to get over your Bobby. It sounds like you had an amazing love together and that does not go away overnight. I am coming to the realization that my concern over how other people think I am grieving is preventing me from actually healing so do what you have to in order for that hollow eyed look to slowly go away. It is one I share with you. Keep writing because I know it has helped me…. I have just been lost for a little while and am trying to find my way back. Take care and thank you for your kind words.

  13. Lexi Y.. says:

    We follow each other on Pinterest (thats how I found this site) and even as a young person, your words speak volumes to me. So many people in my family have been diagnosed with a disease or passed away in the past two years and your posts really inspire me to value the lives of the people I love and to value my own. Keep doing what you’re doing because your execution is flawless, your message is powerful, and your outlook is positive.

    • brenner1543 says:

      Lexis, I am so sorry for such a slow answer. My grief has made me lost and I am trying to find my way back. I love that you found me through Pinterest and it is a blessing to hear that something I have written has helped/inspired you. That is the main reason why I started doing this after I lost Zach so your words are greatly appreciated. Thank you!

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