With new responsiblities at work, the end of an intensely hard semester at school, and now with the holidays requiring a brief return to Canada to be with my family, I have had not a spare moment to sit down and write. But seeing this picture stuck with me so profoundly, I couldn’t resist taking a moment to share it.
I came across this picture the other day and I cannot even begin to describe how much it stuck with me. The simplistic beauty of the progression through life: childhood innocence to tragic loneliness. I have never claimed to be special or different or even the only one to ever experience loss. But this picture shows the natural progression through life and that is how it should be. That is what I was robbed of. This is what has been taken from me.
I am angry because we never got the chance to grow old together. This is what our life should have looked like. I have been told it is OK to feel this way but it still feels wrong to feel this resentful and angry. Zach, you and I should have had the opportunity to become withered, wrinkled, old, and needing a cane together. We should have been able to experience a full life together, but now all I can do is watch as life passes me by. A numb observer of my own life.
Right now one of my best friends is going through something I would never wish upon her and I can only try to send her as much love as possible because I know I can’t take the hurt away. It hurts my heart because although our situations are different, I completely understand the anger she feels looking in on other people’s lives, happiness, and joy. Its hard. It is so damn hard. The bitterness you unwillingly feel knowing you don’t have the same thing everyone else does is an unmerciful master which threatens to consume you.
So what is the answer? What do you do when you resent what others have? Do you hide away, distance yourself from friends because you don’t have what they do, avoid Facebook so you don’t become hostile seeing pictures of their happy lives? I think that answer lies within each of us because each of us will feel better doing different things, but I know what has worked for me even if it is only a slight help.
I know I am not the only one to feel this way so I wanted to take a moment today to remind everyone of the same thing I am trying to teach myself. It is OK to feel resentful that your life doesn’t look like everyone elses. It is even OK if you find yourself withdrawing like I have because it lessens the anger you feel even if only remotely. It is OK to be angry that you will never have everything you always dreamt of. I know its OK. I remind myself of that. But how to fix it? Your guess is as good as mine.