My dearest Zach,
It has been over a year since I last wrote, but mere seconds since I last thought of you. One year ago I posted saying that I was going to do better, write more, process more, handle my grief. The exact opposite has happened.
A year ago I lost my voice, my ability to speak. I lost the ability to process what I was going through. I lost my words to you, which were the only thing keeping me functioning. A year ago I succumbed to the weight of my grief and everything just stopped.
Three months ago my best friend begged me to write something. Anything. One sentence. She saw, she recognized the darkness that had taken over me. She knew I was giving up and that if I wasn’t talking to her about what was going on and I was not writing then something was wrong.
It has taken me this long to take her advice and to write something….. anything.
Was something wrong? Worse? Worrisome? I don’t know. All I know is everything just stopped. I didn’t know how to describe what I was feeling or thinking anymore. Not that I stopped feeling or thinking, but it was almost as if my brain threw its hands up in frustration and said, “Well I don’t know WHAT will fix this!!”
I still don’t know where to start, but I recognize the need to return to my feeble attempt at processing my extreme grief. It isn’t getting better. It isn’t fading away. It lives with me every single moment of every single day like a cancerous tumor eating away at my very existence.
I lost my words, my voice, my ability to process….. but I am still grieving.
So this is my prayer to you, my desperate plea. Help me to find my voice. Help me to find my words because I can not continue this way.