The Darkness

Darkness.
Seeing no way out from a life heavy with a lack of light.
Sigh.
Begrudgingly starting every day.
Silent.
Every single day I regret being silent to those who have come to this blog to read my words and have found help or comfort through them.
Worse.
Wish I could laugh in the face of every person who has said it will get better one day because all I feel is the overwhelming sense of sinking deeper.
Lost.
Unsure of where I fit or belong.
Disconnected.
Not part of anything yet surrounded by all the things I should be.
Wordless.
No longer able to put into words how I feel.
Pathetic.
Hate myself for the inability to function.
Downhill.
Living proof that it is a myth to take it one day at a time and things will get better.
Drowning.
The thought of breathing it all in makes me choke on the misery.
Disappointed.
Not at all doing what I am supposed to be doing or living the life I should be living.
Letdown.
Unable to be there for the people who love me or be part of their lives like I once was.
Unfocused.
Getting what needs to be done every day is a daily battle barely won.
Failure.
My original goal of helping others through my words and experience with grief has failed since losing my ability to write.
Lonely.
My heart beats for you with miserably unattainable desire.
Guilty.
Constantly questioning why it was you, not me.
Jealous.
Everyone’s lives seem to be coming together in such a perfect loving way while I am trapped in this dismal cage.
Angry.
This is the life I have been given and I wish I could return to sender.
Frustrated.
The daily motions that must be gone through quickly grow tedious.
Mundane.
Nothing seems to bring joy or relief or brief moments of clarity.
Master of the mask.
Faking it has no longer become an option, just reality.
Unhappy.
Struggling to remember the last time I was happy and woke up excited for something to happen.
Incapable.
I am totally unable to forget and move on even though people tell me I should.
Lonely.
Life without you just does not make sense and all attempts to fill the void are inadequate.
Weak.
So tired of the fight and effort it requires to get through each day.
Defeated.
I feel like I need to acknowledge that my entire life of bad luck has won.
Bandaid solution.
Trying anything to cover the pain and make it go away.
Acceptance.
Realizing and accepting that regardless of trying to be a good person and giving so much to others isn’t enough to avoid fate when she comes knocking to take away everything you love.
Caught.
See absolutely no way out of all of this.

Grief.
The only existence I know.
Surrender.
Tired of fighting and ready to give in to the unrelenting darkness.

Darkness.

Advertisements

6 comments on “The Darkness

  1. Esther says:

    Though I don’t know you, I know your heart and the depth of your despair. Your words speak my truth as well, though you put it more eloquently than I ever could. I am truly sorry you are in darkness with no light at the end of the tunnel….I thought I was the only one who gave in to faking my way through the days and knowing in my heart there isn’t anything that is going to heal this grief, no amount of time is going to ease this pain…that’s just what we tell others and then ourselves in an effort to comfort….and maybe out of fear that to acknowledge differently would be too devastating to bear. Except we have already heard what is too devastating to bear, and we’re still here.

    I wish you peace and I send you gentle and understanding hugs with my heart.

    Esther

  2. Afterwards says:

    “Disconnected.
    Not part of anything yet surrounded by all the things I should be.”

    These words are so powerfully accurate, It’s so frustrating to see life in front of you, as though on a reel of film, and not be able to touch it. I feel so strongly connected your spirit even though we have such different experiences. It breaks my heart that you have to experience this. You write it so well here, that feeling of hopelessness – and I think hopelessness is the very worst thing that comes with this experience. I wish you didn’t have to feel so alone, I wish he wasn’t taken from you. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.

    I would like to say, in my tiny words as one of your readers, please be relieved of your burden of not writing… Your vulnerability is so powerful it rings on while your words are silent. We will be here every time you are ready. Don’t feel like that has to be always. Take your time. Write it as it comes. We are here. We know you will be here when you can ❤

    Hugs to your beautiful aching, soul. You have something so deep and special about you, I wish your burden could be taken away.

  3. Jessica says:

    Thank you for being so raw with emotion. It’s encouraging to know that I’m not the only who feels these feelings too!

    • brenner1543 says:

      Jessica, this response is a long time coming, but am going through all of these comments now trying to claw myself out of a very lost place. Thank you for also sharing that you feel this way. It is time to break the stigma of grief and that it is quickly gotten over!!! The worst feeling is to feel alone so the more we talk about it, the less alienated or crazy we will feel!

  4. Susan Noel says:

    Hi Krista…
    My heart breaks for you…still. Sending you my love (and Aaron’s) and know that I will always think of you as family… even though we do not see one another. You and your writing is an inspiration to so many people…. you have to see that in all the comments you receive.
    Love from Canada…

    Sue Noel.. Aaron and Jen

  5. Jeorgia says:

    Amaziing f**kiing AMAZING

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s