“There’s a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality–there’s mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.” ~~ Christopher Moore
Zach,
Last week I had to get onto my students in a motivating, encouraging, intervention type way. I take it upon myself to encourage them to “be all they can be”, to get them to be active participants in their learning of the English language, and to take what our program is doing seriously. This moment of motivation came from a place of frustration over their disconnect from the learning process and from their degree of being disengaged from their progress. The talk went wonderfully and I feel it has encouraged them in exactly the way I wanted it too, but that isn’t really the point. The point is: how dare I? How dare I come down on my students for being disengaged for what we are doing in the classroom when I am totally and completely disengaged from my whole life?
Eat, Pray, Love happened to come on TV tonight and it is both a book and a movie I’ve enjoyed simply because it is a woman who writes and travels. I’m not sure anything else could define me more, but I won’t use this space to simply re-write what I already wrote here – – http://thelobstercommentary.wordpress.com/2012/01/30/eat-pray-love/. But I happened to turn on the TV exactly at the scene I chose to record and share here.
In this clip, Julia Roberts is describing how empty, lonely, and disintegrated her life has become. It struck a chord with me watching her beat her hands on her chest saying she has nothing left and that she barely has a pulse. I could sympathize with her saying how she feels nothing and that it can no longer be excused as just “a moment”. I could almost hear myself saying, “Do you feel my love for you? My support for you?” to my own friends because I know I have become a recluse, a hermit, and totally withdrawn. I don’t know how to change it and I know that is a concern I keep repeating. I know that. I can feel the sense of failure that I am unable to pull myself out of this. But I feel nothing. I just don’t care. I don’t care about the good, the bad, the stress, the happiness, the joy, the excitement, the anger, the love, the heartbreak…… anything in the lives of other people. Maybe saying “I don’t care” isn’t the right word choice, but I just don’t feel it. I am absolutely cut-off. I am completely disengaged from my life and I don’t know how to get it back.
But, Zach, it is a double-standard. How can I expect it of other people if I won’t do it for myself? How can I expect others to reach out if I can’t bring myself to do the same? How can I expect other people to check in on me, to care how I’m doing, and to stay in touch if I can’t get myself to do the same for them? I guess it is because I don’t expect it of them. I don’t expect anyone to care anymore or to be my support. I have become so accustomed to a life alone that it is my new normal. I never thought I would be this person. I never dreamt I would have no interest in anything in life that used to capture my attention. But here I am. Disengaged. Empty. Struggling to remember the girl that I used to be before I lost you.
Without you I am in a perma-state of disengagement. Double-standard or not.
Words To Heal the Pain 